[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
You Might Also Like
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card