If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
You Might Also Like
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Very problematic
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*