Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up