Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
This will never not be funny 😭
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
23. the denim jacket
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring