Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

Blew my mind.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*