Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Lucky old June.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”