Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Previously On Persistence 😎
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i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.