Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
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one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician