My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
You Might Also Like
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.