Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
You Might Also Like
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is