Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
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I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened