Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!