when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
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There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
This raises questions
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.