I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody