I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
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Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Well, this is awkward
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
relationship goals
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks