@Book_Krazy New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
@Shariv67 Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
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@Book_Krazy 
@CherBear162 “Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
@EndhooS I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
@GFGander How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
@WeirdHorse If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
@Shariv67 I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
@Dawn_M_ HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
@JohnsonDiaz21 In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
@rn_murse i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
@slimmy_shady Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.