@DanielRCarrillo “I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
@Shariv67 Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
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@DanielRCarrillo 
@dresspants I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
@dafloydsta [spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
@clips_classic Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
@OctopusCaveman I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
@jonnysun [normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
@NicCageMatch My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
@_SetTheHook_ Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
@MinedOvaMatter A drum solo but on your face.
@1AIMMadellynne The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?