@Shariv67

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

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@Book_Krazy

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

@CherBear162

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

@EndhooS

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@WeirdHorse

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

@Shariv67

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

@Dawn_M_

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

@JohnsonDiaz21

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

@rn_murse

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

@slimmy_shady

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.