I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
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*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child