doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
let’s discuss
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Never let them know your next move 😂
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.