going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
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When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Not even remotely sorry.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
TODAY
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.