Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
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YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I didn’t come here to be called names
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir