Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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This was a bad idea all around
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”