How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.