*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
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I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]