11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
You Might Also Like
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.