11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
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Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.