My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Cndnsd Mlk
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.