I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
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ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
No, I don’t think I will.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.