The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.