The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
You Might Also Like
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?