My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
What an awful time to have common sense.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.