The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
my nickname in college
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you