just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.