hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
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Never forget.
Ummm
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
In space, no one can hear…
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.