hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air