Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.