Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving