Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
yeet
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months