Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
bugs when you lift up a rock
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz