“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
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Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I have questions??
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.