My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
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[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward