nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
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teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
an octopus is just a wet spider
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.