You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My what?