You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
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Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
no cat here
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.