Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
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I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot