I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.