Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?