Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
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the prophecy has been fulfilled
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Don’t forget to tip your server
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store