If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Broom by every window for quick escape.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.