wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.