I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.