Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.