My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
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Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!