Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
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A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
When they try to steal your moment.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…